I have a massive chip on my shoulder *Not literally, I am perfectly healthy*
Semantically that phrase could have a multiple of meanings, the first assumed usually being “a person who thinks highly of themselves without the credentials”. However, my chip provokes a defiance and hostility, when an insecurity is provoked. *sigh* Because I have many.
I love to keep up with Celebrity Gossip and News, being an avid reader of Cosmopolitan to the Daily Mail, and yesterday an article was written about a celebrity interview that struck some home truths.
Jennifer Lawrence has been an advocate of honesty and is usually one for removing the rose-tinted glasses of Hollywood, which is something I completely adore about her. She was in the midst of being interviewed for the show ‘Actors on Actors’ by Adam Sandler, when she expressed that when she socially interacts in public she becomes “incredibly rude” because it’s the “only way of defending” herself and this is something I can completely relate too.
As a species we are expected to be sociable and amenable, however that can expose us to many opportunities of hurt. Dating, education, careers and other scenarios which expose us all to knock-backs, rejections and successes which shape our characters as individuals.
I am completely aware that my knock-backs and rejections have strengthened my mentality in dealing with them, as I will always get back up and continue; however, I wrongly assume that my success is a coping mechanism which is a hostility when someone pokes the monster that is made up of my insecurities.
I work in a predominantly male environment where “banter” overrules the art of conversation but as the finger points to me, after months of trying; I have used up all of my witty remarks and sly digs, resorting to my old friend hostility and defiance. Some may not say hard enough, but during these last few months I have tried to get out of my comfort zone as much as possible, by taking part in activities that previously made me want to melt into the ground.
I tried to resolve my defiance and hostility by putting in zero effort when socialising. Which I thought would be a better idea, than putting in effort and failing; as that would definitely light up my insecurities, when the jokes punchline was me.
It’s something I want to shake off, but when I feel vulnerable I find myself saying hateful things that I don’t mean, in the hope that the other person will retract and leave me to deal with myself. This is of course all going on inside my head and on the exterior, I am a “calm, calculated” person that hates to make a fool of myself (mutually felt by many of us) even though it comes naturally. I’m just a mess.
My current inability to quash my insecurities, prevents me from doing so many things; from sport, to being on stage (a dream) *sigh*.
However, I am still rather young, with lots of time for growth; something I intend to do. Grow.
Have fun out there!